Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Timely trauma

Posted by Adele Hattingh at 5:03 AM 0 comments
It’s in the midnight cries
The deafening scars of remembrance
Of so called dreams that shatter
At the first glance of the blade
Of figuring out who you are
Amidst the tumultuous noise and fear

It’s in the midmorning stares
The silence that rings in your ears
As others shout and parade
Their hatred
Spewing poison that burn holes
In your peace

It’s in the sunset tears
That falls from the cliffs of your lashes
Less understanding
Less cognition
More meaning
From nothing you were created

To nothing you fall

Thursday, July 20, 2017

Moana and Me

Posted by Adele Hattingh at 6:48 AM 0 comments
My household has recently become obsessed with Moana. (Yes, I know. We are a little late to the party.)
I would be lying if I didn’t admit that I’m a little obsessed too.
It is so refreshing to see a female heroine in a kid’s film that passes the Bechdel Test – a heroine who goes on her own journey of self-discovery that (shocker!) doesn’t involve romance.
But what stunned me, what absolutely knocked me to my knees, was what this film taught me about trauma recovery.
I am currently wading through the thick muck and mire of adult life with chronic illness and truck loads of hurt from spiritual encounters, and sometimes it gets ugly. I “check out” as a defense mechanism – I numb myself by disassociating from the trauma. Because I’m terrified to feel my feelings. I’m terrified that if I really let them out, I will be crushed by them. That the hopelessness of having no answers is so massive, it would consume me. Denial it seems, is not just a river in Egypt to me. It's a friend. 
So imagine my surprise when what I thought would be a fun, cheerful Disney movie left me ugly-crying and gasping for breath.
 *Spoiler Alert*
When Moana finally confronts the lava monster Te-Ka, she realizes that the creature isn’t what it seems.
As the monster crawls toward Moana – huge, roaring, and terrifying – the future chief shows no fear. She walks calmly and confidently toward the raging beast, singing:
I have crossed the horizon to find you.
I know your name.
They have stolen the heart from inside you.
But this does not define you.
This is not who you are.
You know who you are.
Once the monster realizes that she is finally seen for who she truly is, the fire fades, and she leans toward Moana with a sigh of relief. Her heart is restored, and it is revealed that this creature was the beautiful Goddess Te-Fiti all along.
This scene.
It undid me.
I see my pain as a monster of fire. I am so afraid of it. I want to stay far, far away. But it is a part of me. I have had to work so hard to get back to that place. To walk toward the fire, instead of running away. Back to that four-year-old little girl. To tell her that what happened to her does not change who she is. To sit in that pain for the first time in 35 years. I cannot turn away. I must approach the monster, touch its face, and tell it the truth. May I be as brave as Moana as I face what is part of me, but does not define me.
You are not defined by your darkest hour. You are greater than what has been stolen from you. It is never too late to heal. It is never too late to make a fresh start. It is never too late to have your heart restored.

(thanks KimP) 

Monday, June 19, 2017


Posted by Adele Hattingh at 12:51 AM 0 comments
The words from the prophet’s mouth
Circling my head
Like a hungry worn out vulture
Waiting to dive down
And devour the leftovers of my
Tattered mind
Eaten away by self doubt
And narcissistic proud
That proclaim
I can! I will!

The call of the prophet on my life
Crawling closer from the outskirts
The battlefield of my thoughts
Fighting for a chance
To create my own story
Yet my story is written
A tale from above that decree
I can! I will!

In spite of your rules
Despite your judgement
However hard
However long it may take
To get your approval
Your nod of acceptance
Your voice that proudly remark
She will.. she did..

Monday, June 12, 2017

A short fight

Posted by Adele Hattingh at 5:27 AM 0 comments
Raging fires burn through the hills of my mind
Working relentlessly to save the last of the wildflowers
The flames tearing through every thought and dream
Thick clouds of smoke choking hope at its seems

Thunderous storms rampant in my soul
Gale force winds tearing at my reasoning
Every word I utter swept away by the current
Washed onto the desolate beach of misunderstanding

Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Om 'n bietjie te lê

Posted by Adele Hattingh at 5:57 AM 0 comments
Ek sal weer opstaan
As die lig die donker se twyfel kom verdryf
As die hitte die winter se verwerping opwarm
En die koue van die teestand voor die mag van die son verdwyn

Maar vir nou

Sal ek bly

In die wanhoop van wonder en “nie verstaan”
In die twyfel en vrees van verkeerde besluite
En die mismoedigheid van aan die buite kant staan.

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Who are You

Posted by Adele Hattingh at 3:35 AM 0 comments
My soul cries out
To understand who You are
To know
To comprehend
To be carried in Your heart
To learn
About Your truth
Your law
Your movement on earth
Accept me
Change me
Teach me Your ways
Let me be right about this
I beseech You

Don’t cast me away 

Sunday, May 21, 2017

Trust issues

Posted by Adele Hattingh at 10:49 AM 1 comments
Who do you trust
When all the trusted ones are set to fail
Who do you follow
When all your leaders have started to derail
Where do you seek guidance
When the mighty have fallen in pride
Where do you seek answers
When the once wise rulers run to hide

Do I look to your people? Bearded magic man..
They are mystic, seemingly peaceful and wise
Do I acknowledge that your path is daunting
Do I brave my heart and try it on for size

Do I look to you? People of the book..
Labouring, seeking and yet so far ahead
Do I acknowledge your history is mine
Albeit tainted with unnecessary dread

Where do I find the truth
When the skies above me fall
When I beg the heavens to open up
And heed my call

Thursday, May 18, 2017


Posted by Adele Hattingh at 11:22 PM 0 comments
It takes me on average 40min to get to work, and this morning, I spent the whole 40min crying. Sobbing. The ugly sob. I am sure that I am not the only one that have done this before. Today I feel like I am losing at this whole thing called life. I feel like I am supposed to have it all together by now. I am supposed to have aced the rugby practices, the crazy mornings, the weekly meal plans and the bread and milk checks. I am supposed to have all of the day to day logistics under control so that I can focus on the more important things like being a good wife, a mother that is receptive to the needs of her children and a woman of honor, grace, virtue and godliness. 

Well, well, well… Every day the logistics fall apart, every day I forget something related to school or homework or art projects. Every day I forget to buy bread, milk, toilet paper, sugar, tea or whatever the next item is that runs out. Every day I’m guilt ridden for packing a lunch box with a sandwich and not a cucumber. Every morning as I rush out of the house in a hurricane of lost socks and goodbye kisses I try to gulp down the eight tablets that’s supposed to keep me alive and get me through the day. 

And then as it finally gets quiet in the car on the way to work it all hits me at once. The image of my three year old sitting outside the shower crying because I couldn’t hold his hand for a few minutes longer... The bravery of my seven year old as he makes himself a cup of hot milk because I had to finish assessment reports... My loving husband stepping up to do so much around the house that is not even his job to do... How I am so badly trying to hear my creator’s voice and find His purpose for my life.

And the tears just start rolling down my cheeks. Massive uncontrollable tears that turn to cries from deep within. I don’t want to fail my children. I don’t want to fail my husband and my creator. The tears turn to anger and I tell myself to get it together! Do better! Work harder! Prioritize! Then the anger turns to fear and all I want to do is run away - I start thinking of ways to make money and feed a family on remote islands far away. I convince myself that I don’t need the hustle of the city life, I don’t need the house and the car and the salary. We’ll grow our own vegetables and live of the land. I’ll homeschool! Then the fear turns to hopelessness as I’ve walked this path a million times over in my mind. 

Anger to Fear. 
Fear to Hopelessness. 
Hopelessness to Inaction. 

Get to work, out of the car, carry on with life and it all starts over again. When will it stop? When will I feel like I am winning? Like I am a good enough mom, wife, woman? For now, I look to the ones I love, and seek comfort in the hope that love can carry us through and ultimately love overcomes all. 

Creating purpose out of pain

Posted by Adele Hattingh at 4:00 AM 0 comments
Would you look at me the same 
If you knew all of the words 
Would you smile at the mention of my name
If you understood my song 

Would you reach out to me 
If you knew where I've been
Would you hold in high regard 
The things that I have seen

Would you pick up the pieces 
If they were tainted with the truth 
Would you dwell in my presence 
If you knew how I could move 

I'm drawn to the broken, the addicted and their pain
I'm fed by the needy, the poor and their strain
I dwell in their chaos to sow new hope 
I hide in their dreams to create new gain

A rendezvous with hope

Posted by Adele Hattingh at 3:20 AM 1 comments
I met you on the outskirts of my dreams
You were content but ready to escape
The madness of the crowd haunting you 
The sadness of my heart seeking you
The insane
The mundane

The exchange was short
Two celestial souls, two fleeting hearts and two minds at play
Then you left
Like a coward 
You ran away

The anger subsided
I left too
But you travel still
In the majestic pool of my anticipation
And the weakening of my will

A plea

Posted by Adele Hattingh at 3:03 AM 0 comments
My soul leaves me with every note of the music that plays
With every beat of the slow pounding drum
The harmony, my poison
The melody, God’s opus

My entire being screaming in search of the truth
Take me further into Your secret chambers
Teach me more about Your hidden books
Don’t forget me in this mundane humdrum of banality
Don’t let me die not tasting the fruit of the candles
Don’t let me walk off the edge of the earth without feeling the embrace of the sukkah

Don’t laugh at my journey
Don’t mock my path, don’t send me away

Allow me! Allow me!  Allow me!


Posted by Adele Hattingh at 2:39 AM 0 comments

I exist in another world
Where I see things that you don’t
Where I observe the world you fear
The realities you hold so dear

I exist in another dream
Where I speak the language of the sages
When I say the words you don’t dare
The passages your soul bare

I exist in another dimension
A place you reach but struggle to touch
Where body and soul collide
And prophecy is denied

You see me, but you don’t
You only see what I show
But if you could

If you could

I think you would understand

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

Promised Land

Posted by Adele Hattingh at 11:22 PM 0 comments
Oh promised land
Beholding my heart in your bosom
Engraving my name on your soil
Oh promise me…
Take my soul to the top of your mountains
Lead my heart to the depth of your seas
Hold my hand on this journey
As you promise me…
How we ache to return
Your people
Your spirit
How we enslave ourselves
To your promise…
Promise me
A promise of overwhelming words
Promise me
A land of peace and provision
Promise me
That I’ll be there…
Oh promised land!


Posted by Adele Hattingh at 11:20 PM 0 comments
There's a majestic light that shines
From the weary way up ahead
Hearts racing
A million questions per second
In my somnolent mind

A hope that builds
As words converse by itself
As we walk towards the luminescence
Of the once darkened path

A little flash
Leaving the darkness behind
The confusion
The stench of misguidance
The ache of set apartness


Posted by Adele Hattingh at 10:56 PM 0 comments
Its the heart wrenching
Gut clenching
That sits on the steps to admit
The hatred of the everyday stares
The tumultuous thunder
That rings in her ears
The heap of ashes
From her burnt dreams
The deafening sound of her cries
Calling out to be consumed
And yet nothing
But the scattered memories
Of poisonous fumes

Our words shape our worlds

Posted by Adele Hattingh at 10:52 PM 0 comments
We live in a world where words come to us at an increasingly rapid rate. From television, radio, social media platforms, billboards and magazines to the words that flow from the mouths of friends, relatives and your 5year old who just will not stop talking; we are bombarded by words on a daily basis. But do we realize what an impact these words have on our personal life? Do we stop to consider how the words that we are fed manifests itself in the words we ourselves speak? There is an old saying that ‘sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me’ but we ultimately have come to know that this is in fact just not true.  Our words can start a fight, they can heal, they can encourage, they can destroy and they can definitely hurt. Consider the power in the following:

“You have cancer” “I love you” “I’m pregnant” “Guilty” “You’re fired” Its three words at most, but when it is said in context, it can change your life forever. This is not a new concept or idea – there are more than 50 scriptures in the Bible that relates to the power of words. In the same way philosophers like Rumi and writers like Orwell has written loads on the subject. Some of my favourites include;

But if thought corrupts language, language can also corrupt thought.”
George Orwell, 1984

Proverbs 18:21 - Death and life [are] in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof

It is however only recently when I started realizing the power of ‘self-talk’ and the effect my words have on my own personal living space, mood and even my emotional strength to deal with situations. I realized that a lot of my sentences start with “I can’t cope with this”, “I’m so upset by this”, “I hate…”, “I can’t…” 

How much negative energy was I bringing into my own life by doing this! Even my words to others have become so negative. This was not a conscious thing but I decided to consciously change it and I was starting to pay attention to my words. 

I didn't want to live in a negative world. I didn't want to doubt myself, hurt myself and walk around in a dark space all the time. When I was challenged, I used self-affirming words that gave my self-esteem a boost. When I was overwhelmed by negativity I started using positive words that inspires hope. I started small and I am hoping to slowly infiltrate other area of my life. I am hoping to use positive words to build myself and those around me. 

We know that our words start as thoughts and ultimately I want my world to be a place of peace, personal power and positive choices. 

David and Goliath

Posted by Adele Hattingh at 10:48 PM 0 comments
Waking up early, I can feel the excitement coming from deep within my soul. I realize this excitement is more of an uncertainty, more of a "sweaty-palm," "butterflies-in-stomach" feeling. Today we are going to the very site that King David, then still a young boy, defeated Goliath. Was he feeling like this? Did he realize that even a moment of hesitation could cause defeat? Was he shaking when he held the sling in his hands? With reckless bravery and manlike confidence, he took the shot!
What will I see when we get there? Will the earth testify of the great event that took place so many years ago? Will there be a different smell in the air? Will my mind be able to reconstruct the events that kick-started the career of a brave king? Will I be able to hear in the wind the silent prayers of an army on the encampment?
Without realizing, my thoughts wander to the giants in life, the insurmountable obstacles we encounter. As women, we share a collective identity. We often struggle to overcome the same mountains, and we find peace in cool streams of the same valleys. We seek our identity in the piercing bareness of the same wind. We use the same measures of protection to ensure our emotional survival. We face giants of insecurity and fear everyday. We walk the distance, over the mountains and through the caves, we run, prepare tables, provide comfort, endeavor to give unselfish love and make a "shell of bricks" a warm home. Yet, sometimes just like David, we walk this path, carrying food and supplies, just to find that at our final destination a giant awaits, one that threatens to enslave a nation. Because you - women, carry within you the seed of a nation. You carry within you the hope and expectation of a people almost defeated, a people almost annihilated. You have the seed of victory within.
We find that every now and again, when we stop to breathe, we discover an immense strength leaping from our inner selves. We find ourselves standing barefoot in the valley, no armor, no weapons and with only a slingshot in our hands. Yet we know, without doubt, without reason and without security, we are still strong. We are victorious in the vast expanses of womanhood, and we conquer! With shaky hands, butterfly stomachs and sweaty palms, we conquer! And at the end of the day our silent prayer lingers in the expanses of the heavens.
As I walked the path down the hill the Israelite army camped on, I drew strength from within. I listened to the whispers in the wind, I read the story on the pages of the hills, I felt the victory in the streams of the river and I knew… I knew that life might come at us with a sword and a spear, but we stand in the Name and blessing of the Mighty One of Israel.

Saturday, June 25, 2016

In the valley

Posted by Adele Hattingh at 8:50 AM 0 comments
Shatter Shatter
Fall fall
The blinding pace comes to a heart wrenching stop

Tears flowing
Cries that bulge forth out of the pit of your stomach

Crushing voices that roll of your tongue
Damaging voices that speak in my mind
Stop stop I whisper
More more you say

I'm looking up
Wondering if anyone there can help

I wait

Friday, May 6, 2016

"Wow, that must have hurt.."

Posted by Adele Hattingh at 5:26 AM 0 comments
It's a beautiful Autumn day. One of those days that you can feel the cooler winter air creeping closer but it's still sunny enough to enjoy a mid day walk. My little one is just over a month old as I wrap him tightly and we set off for a walk in the stroller. He loves the outdoors and I enjoy the walk. Feeling like the walls close in on you is a real thing. Especially if you are a working mom on maternity leave, that has been home for a full month with a new baby that spends all his time either drinking or sleeping. We set off to the local butcher - a nice 20 minute walk. When you are still in adoration of the miracle that happened to you in the form of a baby, everything seems greener, fresher, prettier and more alive. I select a few things for dinner and make my way to the pay point. The cashier is a young Afrikaans girl, overly interested in my little one. She ooh's and aah's and tells me how beautiful he is. I wanted to say 'Right!!?' but responded with a pleasant thank you. The questions roll off her tongue like balls in a busy ten pin bowling alley on a Friday night. I answer with short polite answers every time. Yes, its a boy. He is 6 weeks old. He sleeps a lot. Yes I breastfeed. No I don't have to go back to work soon. Then she asks about the birth method. I was slightly taken aback - such a personal question from a complete stranger. Yes, it was a natural birth without medication. "WOW" she exclaims, "that must have hurt". Suddenly, in that moment there is a thousand thoughts rushing through my head. How do I tell this young girl that the pain of giving birth is nothing compared to the pain you will still feel as a mother? The first time they are sick and you are completely helpless. The first time they don't succeed at riding a bicycle or building a LEGO figurine and they feel like a failure. Their first rejection from a friend. How do you tell her that the heartache of leaving them at daycare or school for the first time far supersedes the pain of labor? The tears you cry when they struggle to adapt to this crazy world. There is no comparison.

I just smiled and said "Yeah, it was quite something".

Thursday, December 10, 2015


Posted by Adele Hattingh at 9:12 PM 0 comments
Save them, I cry
Heart racing
Tears burning my cheeks
Let the lost be found

Save us, I whisper
Head spinning
Palms shaking
Let love lead

Save me, I pray
Hands grasping
Straws breaking
Warrior watching

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