Thursday, May 18, 2017

Chaos

Posted by Adele Hattingh at 11:22 PM
It takes me on average 40min to get to work, and this morning, I spent the whole 40min crying. Sobbing. The ugly sob. I am sure that I am not the only one that have done this before. Today I feel like I am losing at this whole thing called life. I feel like I am supposed to have it all together by now. I am supposed to have aced the rugby practices, the crazy mornings, the weekly meal plans and the bread and milk checks. I am supposed to have all of the day to day logistics under control so that I can focus on the more important things like being a good wife, a mother that is receptive to the needs of her children and a woman of honor, grace, virtue and godliness. 

Well, well, well… Every day the logistics fall apart, every day I forget something related to school or homework or art projects. Every day I forget to buy bread, milk, toilet paper, sugar, tea or whatever the next item is that runs out. Every day I’m guilt ridden for packing a lunch box with a sandwich and not a cucumber. Every morning as I rush out of the house in a hurricane of lost socks and goodbye kisses I try to gulp down the eight tablets that’s supposed to keep me alive and get me through the day. 

And then as it finally gets quiet in the car on the way to work it all hits me at once. The image of my three year old sitting outside the shower crying because I couldn’t hold his hand for a few minutes longer... The bravery of my seven year old as he makes himself a cup of hot milk because I had to finish assessment reports... My loving husband stepping up to do so much around the house that is not even his job to do... How I am so badly trying to hear my creator’s voice and find His purpose for my life.


And the tears just start rolling down my cheeks. Massive uncontrollable tears that turn to cries from deep within. I don’t want to fail my children. I don’t want to fail my husband and my creator. The tears turn to anger and I tell myself to get it together! Do better! Work harder! Prioritize! Then the anger turns to fear and all I want to do is run away - I start thinking of ways to make money and feed a family on remote islands far away. I convince myself that I don’t need the hustle of the city life, I don’t need the house and the car and the salary. We’ll grow our own vegetables and live of the land. I’ll homeschool! Then the fear turns to hopelessness as I’ve walked this path a million times over in my mind. 

Anger to Fear. 
Fear to Hopelessness. 
Hopelessness to Inaction. 

Get to work, out of the car, carry on with life and it all starts over again. When will it stop? When will I feel like I am winning? Like I am a good enough mom, wife, woman? For now, I look to the ones I love, and seek comfort in the hope that love can carry us through and ultimately love overcomes all. 

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